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I recently came back from a jog. It’s shocking to write those words. I think it could have been a decade since I last did so. Yet It came to my attention that I have somewhat raised cholesterol, and the recommendation was to perform intense workouts frequently.

For the first time ever in my existence that the driving force to be active has been my health status. During earlier years, I jogged because I aimed to slim down. I also jogged to cure feelings of anxiety – It was an avoidance tactic from the anxiety, instead of dealing with it. On other occasions, I exercised because I sought to get better with jogging. This was what it meant to me then to build a superior lifestyle.

Running for a different reason at present sparked reflection about the ways I’ve related with my physical self over my lifetime and its transformation as I move from youth to middle age. I don’t think I’ve valued my body, not deep down. I’ve valued it only for its functions and the purposes it served me: seeking approval; dodging sentiments; running a faster 5K run. Until today, I’ve not understood that my body is me, it embodies my life, rather than an instrument for achievements.

Much has been written for ages about the separation involving physical and mental aspects – which it’s reassuring to know, I’ll avoid detailing in this piece. What I’ve found most fascinating is the Freudian perspective that mental and physical selves are developmentally integrated from birth, because physical development demands psychological development and the reverse is true. The newborn’s physical sensations – for example the bodily feeling of hunger – drive consciousness to cultivate the skill to perceive hunger as an emotion that may be satisfied by nourishment; and the psychological solace and satisfaction consistently provided by meal after meal feeds the child’s mind similar to the milk nourishes them corporally. So too emotional occurrences – such as the desire to get up and attain a goal, and the persistence to attempt repeatedly – are the cause and means physical strength increases. Starting at birth, our body and mind are intertwined in mutual development as integrated as a spiral.

But I’ve observed, in treatment with my analyst, that my consciousness and physique may exist in a different kind of relationship – a less unified and more exploitative. My mind may employ my physical self to store and manifest elements that my consciousness views unacceptable or unacceptable. In my sessions we’ve become aware how there are particular emotional states that I fear I cannot bear; in place of sensing them mentally, I subconsciously push them to my physical self, where they remain as bodily signs.

I used to get this as indigestion – which had nothing to do with what I’d eaten, but was a form of physical reflux of the more acidic feelings I failed to handle psychologically. It wasn’t an intentional act, but after it was introduced to my attention by my analyst, and my fear and sensitivity and frustration and panic were experienced and expressed verbally instead of converted to corporeal symptoms, it disappeared. I seldom experience with digestive issues currently.

The toughest period I had this severe heartburn, I didn’t sleep for many nights straight. It seemed I was losing my mental stability. I visited a general practitioner, who arranged all sorts of examinations and assessments, but there was nothing corporally problematic. The situation was an alternate medic who suggested that the root could be psychological. My therapist did not disagree. I was shocked, but I also knew it was correct.

When a patient endures a bodily issue, they might feel insulted at the suggestion that it may have a psychological cause. It can seem this as being disrespected, hearing that their condition is fabricated. Naturally that does happen – some face their pain ignored or misdiagnosed. But in some cases it’s possible that the physical symptoms are genuine – no question – and the source is mental, the inner mind using the body to convey emotional hurt or anger or whichever sentiment the conscious self is unable to bear. Sometimes, we may believe our emotions only has value if manifested in physical form. We continually disrespect our mental states as individuals, as a society and as a culture; for what reason can we allow the shocking elimination of psychodynamic psychotherapy through health services?

Life lessons have taught me that a better life cannot be built while caught without realization in modes of connection, inside us and socially, that stem from devaluation, manipulation and dealings. Such patterns tend to be simpler to identify “in the world” in broader culture. It may be harder to reflect on how they got out there, and to identify these shapes personally and within our closest relationships, in the dynamics of our psyches.

However persistence pays off. After donning my jogging shoes back on following many years, heading out not to get a better body, or to escape a sensation, or to beat a 5km time, {it